Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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