btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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