Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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