You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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