The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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