Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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