Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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