What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I won the penis lottery.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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