remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
