Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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