my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
