He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
