my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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