You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
