my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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