New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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