Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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