he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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