So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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