Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
do herpes really smell.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize