She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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