Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
