you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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