wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
