I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
