I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
