I accidentally burped into my bong.
what day is it and did you see me today?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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