god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
