I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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