If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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