I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
