whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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