i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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