What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
did you just send me my own nude
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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