textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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