So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
