i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
