the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
