Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
