ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Randomize
