if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
