I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
