dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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