Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
