My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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