I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize