Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
