I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
