Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
