I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
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the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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