I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
