Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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