My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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