I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
