No stitches, just platelets and will power
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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