Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize