Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
