I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
